Torn between motherhood & careers

My four–year–old son is putting money in his piggy bank, taking it out, and putting it back in again. Suddenly, he dumps all of the coins out and slides them across the table towards me.

“Mommy, here is some money so then you don’t have to go to work,” he says, excited about his great idea.

On the mornings when daycare drop–offs are difficult, I have told him that I need to work so I can get money to pay for our food and his toys. He thinks he has found a way around this.

If only it were that simple.

The fact is that for a lot of “working moms”, it’s about more than money. It’s about using our professional skills. It’s about engaging with colleagues and clients. It’s about doing meaningful work. For me, as a career educator, I find job satisfaction when I’m collaborating with industry, helping students launch their careers, and continually learning.

But not a day goes by that I don’t feel completely torn by being away from my son.

I had the privilege of contributing to an anthology on this very topic. In TORN: True Stories of Kids, Career & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood, which came out this week, 47 women examine the conflict between the need to nurture and the need to work, and reveal their creative solutions for having the best of both worlds.

In my piece, Cupcake Crazy, I shared how being a “working mom” made me the envy of some of my 30–something pre–children female colleagues. I embodied their dreams; they looked at me and thought I had it all. And sure, I felt proud of what I’d achieved that past year — becoming a mother, getting a promotion, and finishing my masters degree. But often, I wanted to scream to them, ”do you have any idea how hard this is?“ I wasn’t talking about the work itself, but about the sacrifices.

When I stayed late for a meeting, that meant I wouldn’t see my son before he went to bed. When I indulged in chit–chat around the water cooler, it meant I’d need to wake up at 5:30 am the next morning and log in to my remote desktop to get caught up. When I got sick, I didn’t get to rest until my son did. When I chose to talk to my husband, I sacrificed sleep. When we both tried to get enough sleep, it meant we skipped any chances for sex. I negotiated these things all day, every day and finally realized — you can’t actually have it all. You can have bits here and there, but everything is at the cost of something else.

Now, after reading many of stories the in TORN, I find myself breathing a sigh of relief at the truths it reveals. First: I am not alone in the push and pull that I feel each morning as I leave my son in the care of others and begin my commute. Second: most moms are challenged to find creative ways to make their work work for their families. And finally: no one has managed to actually “have it all”, but everyone is doing the best they can.

This Mother’s Day, I hope moms can take a break from some of the pressures they put on ourselves, and acknowledge that they are doing their best — and that enough.

*Cupcake Crazy excerpted from TORN: True Stories of Kids, Careers & the Conflict of Modern Motherhood published by Coffeetown Press, May 2011, ISBN: 978-1-60381-097-5.

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