Now What: Doormat

Dear Kathy:

Why can’t I say no? To volunteer activities, watching other people’s kids, extra work projects, family obligations, kids’ sports…I’m swamped but I can’t seem to stop saying yes to almost everything I’m asked to do. Help!

Dear Doormat:

That old Rogers and Hammerstein song about “I’m just a girl who can’t say no” is more fun in the fictional world of “Oklahoma” than it is in real life. Saying “no” to perfectly reasonable requests from all facets of your life – work, family, kids, school – can be hard to justify, because often we (and the requester) are only looking at that one request in isolation, and not balancing it out with the rest of our lives. 

“Of course you can spare an hour a week.”

“It’s one extra lesson; surely you can give that to little Nic to see him improve.”

“You’re no busier than any other parent on our committee.”

There’s no doubt about it; guilt, obligation, and even a desire to help out can cause us to sign up for and commit to events and responsibilities we come to deeply regret taking on.  But just the same way we evaluate priorities in the workplace; we need to start evaluating what we are being asked to do with all aspects of our lives – family, school, extracurricular activities, volunteer initiatives, etc. The next time you get asked to do something above and beyond, run through this checklist:

1. Does this activity/request fit with my goals for the year?  (You don’t have goals? Write some!) If it does, take it on. If it doesn’t, see if you want to adjust your goals (and drop some other priorities), or you need to say “No!”

2. Do I want to do this? Am I the best person for this? Will I move myself forward in some way (financially, emotionally, spiritually, knowledge-wise) by doing this? Again, if the answer is no, think about saying “No!”

3. Is the decision to take this on going to cause me grief, or relief? If it is the former, you might want to think about saying “No!”

Is it easy saying “No?” Well, no, actually. But, we all know that in the long run, it can be harder on us, and our families, if we say “Yes.” When a request is made of you, you can simply say “No,” and offer no explanation. Ninety-nine per cent of the time you don’t owe the requester a reason, and the risk of offering a reason (“I’m so busy!”), can often result in them trying to “fix” your reason and still talk you into doing it for them. On the other hand, if you feel an explanation is in order, make sure you clarify that you are in a non-negotiable position, and that you will contact them should the situation change.

So, what if you said “Yes,” and now you’re regretting it – you need to weigh your options. If backing out is going to cause someone else more work and grief, try to find a solution (or another body) to help them out before packing it in. Or, try to suggest that you take at least a step backwards (and then follow through with that), while encouraging others to fill in the gaps, or evaluate whether the task being requested to be done really needs to be done.

There really are only 24 hours in the day; how we spend many of these hours is pre-determined for us by our jobs, our kids, and our ongoing domestic obligations.  Try to make the most of what’s left by filling them with things that fill you up, as well.