Now What: Sibling Superiority

Dear Kathy: What should a parent do when a younger child is better academically than their older sibling which affects the eldest’s self-esteem? I don’t mean they just get better grades but they can also read and write faster, add, and subtract etc. We don’t want to discourage or not praise the younger one but at the same time when we do the older one seems embarrassed. Help…

Dear “It’s All Academic”:

It’s always tough to explain to children, particularly siblings, that they are not as talented in a certain area as another family member, or even a close friend. This is especially hard in the situation you’ve described, where the younger child is excelling in an area that the older child would like to do better in.

This happens in many families, whether it’s an academic edge, an athletic one, or a social one. It’s virtually impossible for two or more siblings to have equal strengths in every area. It’s important to start building the self-esteem of the child in their areas of strength, while acknowledging that they have areas of “challenge.” When dealing with children of different ages and in this case where the older or assumed academically superior child is struggling, it might be a good idea to go through homework, test results, and projects, etc., separately, versus the same time, in the same room. By the same token, sharing praise at the dinner table for each child’s individual achievement (be it in school or other fields) is a good way to build some self-esteem for the things that they are good at, and have their siblings hear about as well.

Making goals for a child in their area of challenge can also help them to feel as though they are successful, as well as ensuring that praise is given for attitude, hard work, and perseverance. As well, you might consider an outside tutoring service or individual to help pull a child through a difficult academic spot. Many professional tutors will start working with a child at a level lower than they can already do, in order to build that early confidence and get them past the mental hurdle of “I can’t do math. It’s too hard.”  They can do math; they just have to find the right starting point.

Just remember there are two main factors for success: Ability and willingness. You can work proactively on the latter quality which will ultimately help them with the former. And if you don’t know what I mean by that…maybe ask your youngest child to explain it to you.

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