Dear Kathy: I love my parents, and my parents love my kids. Lately, however, Grandma and Granddad have been pretty vocal about my parenting style and what they do and don’t approve of. How do I talk to them about this and keep things from getting emotional?
Dear Stuck-in-the-Middle: Contrary to public belief, the “Generation Gap” doesn’t only exist when we’re talking about teenagers and their middle-aged parents. Luckily, this gap goes on for our whole lives, as we are, by definition, one generation removed from our parents. And it seems to me that the generation of parents raising young children now are diametrically opposed to the parenting styles that their own parents employed. Remember sitting on the back of the station wagon window and bouncing down a country road? I do. Remember riding your bike off ramps into the street...without a helmet? I do. What about staying outside and playing “until the street lights came on.” Welcome now to our helmeted, protected, monitored, technological, media intensive world and there are bound to be times when our parenting filters are operating at different levels and intensities.
While I am a supporter of letting Grandma and Granddad have their own set of rules for the kids when they’re at their house, away from mean ol’ Mom and Dad, it is tricky when they try to impose their opinions on child rearing, food, habits, etc in the parents’ own home. We also have to remember that when we fight back and criticize our parents’ way of doing things, we’re really criticizing how they raised us – and let’s think for a minute how our Mommyhackles go up when someone criticizes our parenting choices with our own kids.
My suggestion would be to talk to Grandma and Granddad about how what they’re saying is hurting you, bothering you, or undermining your authority with your own children. Come up with specific examples, and explain why it is what you do, when, and how you do it. There is the chance they don’t realize they are criticizing you (“I’m just trying to be helpful!”), or how it is affecting you, your relationship with your other co-parent, and the children themselves. If your parents express that they have serious concerns, opt to hear them out in a neutral location (coffee shop, over lunch), away from the kids, where emotions are more likely to be kept in check and both parties are free to speak clearly.
If the children are emotionally mature enough to manage the information, I also suggest talking to the kids to explain why you don’t agree with all of Grandma and Granddad’s parenting choices; to help alleviate some of the confusion they might feel when they get conflicting messages.
Lastly, if the “advice” that you’re receiving from your parents is mostly harmless and a few ‘tsk tsks’ here and there (but it really irks you to hear it), diffuse your reactions by allowing the kids to play with their grandparents alone – head to a bookstore, spa, or for a glass with friends and contemplate the joys of having another set of people who love your kids too.
Kathy Buckworth has four kids, from age 8-18. After spending 18 years in full-time corporate marketing positions, she hung up the briefcase and picked up the pen, and has been living the past eight years in the world of freelance writing and media. She kept much of her corporate mindset, including a love for mentoring - whether it’s newly minted professionals, writers, or Moms. She’s hoping this new column will also do that. Send Kathy your questions about balancing work/life/writing/kids to Kathy@kathybuckworth.com. Pick up Kathy’s new book “Shut Up and Eat: Tales of Chicken, Children and Chardonnay,” available at bookstores everywhere. Visit www.kathybuckworth.com or follow Kathy on Twitter.
Photo: Grant Wood's "American Gothic."
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