Dealing with Break Up Grief

by B.A. Dobson

Grief, fear, and despair are primary human emotions. Without them, we would be less than human, and less likely to survive. Grief arises because we are not alone, and what connects us to others and to the world also breaks our hearts. – Miriam Greenspan

Stop grieving. Get over it. Move on.

That’s the main message a friend of mine, who ended her four year relationship with a man she’s still very much in love with just three short weeks ago, has been receiving a lot lately. It’s the not so subtle point behind virtually everything the people who care about her most say or do in response to her uncomfortably obvious (for them) pain. One of her co-workers even went so far as to offer to set her up on a date with one of her friends this past weekend (because throwing another man into the mix while you’re in the midst of dealing with a break up, makes everything better, dontcha know?).

But the worst part of it all is that my friend, who has clearly internalized this message, is now doing what most would in her situation: hiding her sadness behind her best game face while suppressing her emotions. So much so that yesterday, when I put my arm around her to comfort her after the mask she’s been wearing for the last week or so cracked (ever so slightly) and she began to tear up in front of me, she quickly wiped her eyes, flashed me a toothy grin and said, "It’s okay. I’m good and crying doesn’t help anyway, does it?”

Now, although I can relate to wanting to escape the misery and sadness that is often so overwhelming at the end of a relationship, as well as wanting to support someone you love while not having to take on the weight of their suffering, watching my friend make her way through all the muck as she navigates her connections with her family and friends has made society’s ‘emotion-phobia’ – particularly with respect to more difficult emotions like grief – very apparent to me.

The predominant mores of western culture don’t leave much room for anyone, outside of small children (maybe?), to openly express emotional pain. Instead the overriding message people receive during times of suffering is “be strong, push it down and get on with it…stat!” And I know from both firsthand experience and watching others grieve, it’s a message that generally doesn’t make anyone feel better. From what I can tell it’s extremely alienating and often serves to make people feel worse, in spite of what they may tell you they’re feeling.

And all of this got me thinking...

How would things change if while dealing with grief, directly or otherwise, people stopped focusing on what is, however painful, instead of what should be?

How different would life be if instead of telling people to suppress and avoid their painful emotions, society allowed to just feel what they feel – without shame or fear?

Interesting proposition, isn’t it?

Image courtesy of stock.xchng.