Dear Daughter/Son (But I’d want a daughter more):

How are things?

I guess I should introduce myself. I’m your non-existent mother. I say that because we may never meet, because you may never exist, so I’d prefer to remain ethereal and somewhat magical. This isn’t a letter to mothers who have come before me or women who want nothing more than to be a mother. This isn’t a letter about the right to have you, or if I would or not, it’s a confession mostly.

I am sorry I may never have you. Currently, my age is 28, old enough to have you, and yet I still don’t. Here are some of the reasons:

Financial stability is out of the question as I am an arts worker, so there’s that. Being a Canadian actor is amazing when you get to work, but what good is living pay cheque to pay cheque when you want to raise a child in a world with financial certainty? (Well, as certain as it can get. Although I’m sure I’ll be fine— I’ve purchased cheap stocks that can only go up with Blockbuster, Atari and Enron.)

Then there is the shudder I feel in my bones at the thought of another human living inside of me. It actually makes me think of that scene from Aliens. This is in no way natural for me to think this way, right?

Not to mention the fact that overpopulation is at an all-time high, so even if I were ready to have a child, I’d probably adopt to cut down on our carbon footprint. You see? I am nowhere near ready to have children when I’m more concerned about eco-conservation than the want to grow a family.

Essentially, right now, I just can’t. And I’m sorry for that.

Dear little one, if you are to be born in the future, when things are different, I’d like you to know this:

I love you. I will always love you. I will do anything and everything to protect your heart from breaking, grow your mind to the best of its abilities and set you free to develop your own character and sense of being. You are worthy of great things, but keep humble as to not piss off anyone (and try your best during your teenage years). Stay positive as best you can. Be realistic and logical, but dream and vie for those dreams to become your realities. Spread kindness. In this, you will find love and your life will be full and rich regardless of finances.

Forgive your mother for her inability to get her ducks in a row upon the status quo calendar, and know that when you do come into existence one day, there will be no person loved as much as you.

I look forward to the day my fears dissipate and the stork brings a little baby to my doorstep. That’s where babies come from right?

Love,

Yo Mama.

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