By Jen Kirsch
“We’re so over, we need a new word for over.” These are the harsh words of Carrie Bradshaw, of the biblical Sex and the City. She said them to Mr. Big in season five of the show.
The relationship of Carrie and Big is what off-and-on dreams are made of. Carrie was always within arms reach, but after each split and after she would finally pick herself up in her Manolo’s, he was always back. It’s as if Big would be alerted that she was OK and would return, begging for her back.
Well, life sure has a funny way of imitating art, doesn’t it? Why is it that whenever we get over past hurt, whenever we finally come to terms with the fact that it is over and build up the strength to open a new door, that our former flames seem to come back around?
Often after a break up, people don’t allow for natural and needed space. Being alone again is a life change, and there are often a handful of uncertainties that come with a break up. People often linger around in their ex’s life, unwilling to accept the inevitable. Having so many forms of communication doesn’t help. How many times have you found yourself on Facebook, stalking your ex? We cling onto our ex, initiating messages here and there or responding to theirs. These little forms of communication give us a piece of mind that is so unwarranted. Yet we feel that because we still communicate, that things are OK. That they are still within arm’s reach.
But an amazing thing happens over time, that thing being time itself. As cliché as it sounds, time allows for reflection; it allows for a fading of feelings. It lets you to take a step outside of yourself and look at what was as an observer.
So as we embrace time, the messages (and trips to your ex partner’s bed) become fewer and farther between. And then, they die down altogether. You no longer have that same need you once had to have contact with the person.
But why do they come running back once you hit that sweet spot, you ask? When they come running back – though I’m sure the odd time it may in fact be genuine – it’s usually a sign of a bruised ego, and not the sign of a bruised heart. Think about it: the “why isn’t she responding to me” drives him mad and as he lets his imagination wander on where you went, it finally sinks in for him that he may have lost you for good. Gulp.
The flaw most of us make when it comes to our past relationships is staying in touch with an ex immediately following a break up. I get why we do it, but if you ever want to get back together with this person or alternately, if you ever want to move forward, you need to give the situation a chance to breathe. With that you give yourself and the guy a chance to experience what life is like without one another.
I’m convinced that whole “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” quote was created by someone who was going through this exact scenario. Just get over it. Be done. Things have a way of working out. After all, season five of Sex and the City wasn’t the end for Carrie and Big. In fact, we all know where they stand now.
If you have that I can’t live with you/can’t live without you type of attraction to someone and they do come back in your life, make sure it’s heart over ego, and until you’re certain which it is, watch out for both of yours.